


It is my life

by AquilaCinereo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abusive Dursleys, Child Abuse, Dark Harry, One Shot, idk - Freeform, it's kinda (really) strange, or hard to define or whatever, pretty much every sentence start with 'it is'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-18
Updated: 2017-01-18
Packaged: 2018-09-18 10:14:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9379904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AquilaCinereo/pseuds/AquilaCinereo
Summary: It is a child sitting in a dark cramped space repeating his name over and over to make sure he never forgets it.-----It is a boy finding his first friends. It is chessgames and studying, jokes and smiles to his face. It is overheard conversations of sneered insults and condescending comments when they think he can’t hear them.-----It means that they betrayed me so I might as well return the favour.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A ficlet written on my ipad in 2 hours (tops) on the bus, it's kinda weird and bit of a disjointed mess, but (surprisingly) I quite like it. If nothing else it gives an excellent idea of how I actually like to write

It is a child sitting in a dark cramped space repeating his name over and over to make sure he never forgets it. It is a child called freak and boy swearing that one day he will be more. It is a child ducking under a heavy fist declaring that one day he’ll be worthy of love. It is a child crying silently into the darkness, begging someone, anyone to take the pain away.

It’s about a stomach cramping with hunger pains, about frail bones snapping under heavy hands. About using a stool to reach the stove and being burnt with boiling fat when the bacon turns black. It’s about cradling an injured hand, crying until no more tears will fall and then never crying again.

It is a boy finding his first friends. It is chessgames and studying, jokes and smiles to his face. It is overheard conversations of sneered insults and condescending comments when they think he can’t hear them. It is twinkling blue eyes and withheld secrets, lies told with a grandfatherly smile and a man who pretends to care when he never truly sees me.

It is a mystery and a quest hidden behind a beast. It means seeing my greatest desires and feeling the taste of ash in my mouth knowing they can never be true. It is feeling a man crumble to ashes under my hands and being told “well done”.

It is another mystery, this one full with desperation as those I thought were my people look upon me with unhidden suspicion and hatred. It means realizing I am not expected to save myself but rather everyone else. It is feeling the poison burning through my veins and being saved by the tears I can no longer cry.

It means secrets kept and lies told with the purpose to protect me. Strangely, I don’t feel protected, but deceived. It is feeling hatred for the first time, only to find out I turned it on the wrong target. It means once again risking myself to save others, and once again being praised for breaking the rules.

It is love given only by a man who thinks I am someone else. It is the people I thought I could trust turning on me, stabbing me in the back and expecting me to forgive them. It is trying desperately to keep my head above the surface while being ordered to dive. It means seeing the ghosts of my family and wishing I could join them.

It means finding some kind of family, only to have it torn away. It is corruption and conspiracies. It means falling to the ground only to be kicked again and again until I can’t even feel the pain anymore. It is dirty and bloody and broken with any glimmer of hope immediately snatched away.

It is past, present, and future all rolled up in a nice package and tied with a bow. It is a destiny I am supposed to accept with a smile. It is compliments and pandering one day, insults and fear the next. It means feeling like nothing has changed even though everything is different.

_It was my first gift, my first christmas and my first birthday. It meant being invited for tea and not being the last one chosen for a team. It meant a connection with my family and people who called me by my name. All are things I wanted but soon feared would be taken from me. And it still isn’t what I truly want. Maybe, if I work hard I’ll finally get it. Maybe someone will finally love me._

It means giving up and turning away. Hands no longer grappling for purchase but letting me fall. Air flowing past me, the panicked fluttering in my stomach the most intense thing I can remember feeling. It means that they betrayed me so I might as well return the favour.

It means never having to cower again. No meaty fist or heavy frying pans to dodge. No keeping your head down trying to be invisible. But still there are tendons tearing, bones snapping, breaking, muscles tensing and convulsing. Voices breaking on tormented screams. It means looking upon those that have hurt you and make them feel everything you have felt. It is pain and loss and betrayal and finally revenge. It is dark power searing through my veins, leaving behind a pleasant warmth that leaves me sated and, for the first time in my life, content. It means giving pain instead of receiving it.

The darkness used to mean a prison, it used to mean punishment. Now it means freedom. Freedom and the respect I had given up on ever receiving. It means being seen and choosing for myself what to do, who to save and who to fight for. It means feeling valued. It means a sense of belonging. A different one. Different from anything I ever wished for. But I am different too. Besides, I gave up on wishing a long time ago.

It is not exactly love, but I don’t think even love can heal me now. I have been torn and cut and broken and the parts that have healed are healed all wrong. Now I am all twisted limbs and scars. And healing would mean rebreaking the bones, twisting and tearing to set it all right, and I am never letting anyone cause me pain again.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm considering editing it and putting it together to some sort of proper text, but idk.. Comment and tell me what you think?


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